The Skeptic’s Guide to Positive Self-Talk

Marquita Herald
6 min readFeb 2, 2022

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The skeptics guide to positive self-talk

We each have a private world inside our heads. It’s the place where we keep our greatest pain and purest joy, secret longings, darkest shame, precious memories, and endless “someday I’ll” dreams.

This is where we craft the stories that we tell ourselves and others about who we are, where we’re from, and where we’re going.

It is a magical, at times chaotic world that is constantly at work processing and interpreting our daily experiences to align with our beliefs and attitudes.

This inner narrative we call self-talk, has a variety of different functions. It plays a role in motivation, emotional expression, working through problems, making decisions, and self-awareness.

Depending upon our circumstances and outlook, self-talk can create a sense of overwhelm, helplessness, and confusion, inspire confidence and hope, raise our self-esteem, or make us feel anxious and inadequate.

The question is, how much control do we have over this narrative?

The skeptics among us say not much.

They insist the internal chatter is just part of who we are; that there really is no rhyme or reason to it or a way to control or manage it, and even if it were possible, force-feeding ourselves “positive thoughts” all day may do more harm than good.

But the science is clear; we can change our behaviors and learn to shift negative or unrealistic thinking to a more balanced, positive perspective.

Let’s look at why it’s worth the effort, how to get started, and a couple of approaches to replacing or reframing your self-talk so that it works for rather than against you.

Brain wave tests prove that when we use positive words, our ‘feel good’ hormones flow. Positive self-talk releases endorphins and serotonin in our brain, which then flow throughout our body, making us feel good. These neurotransmitters stop flowing when we use negative words. ~Ruth Fishel, M.Ed.

The Science of Positive Self-Talk

There is no shortage of studies pointing to the enormous benefits in the relationship between positive thinking and self-talk, but it’s important to clarify what that means.

Positive thinking isn’t about being happy 24/7, looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, denying your fears, masking your feelings, or sticking your head in the sand and hoping that your problems will just go away.

It’s about tackling life’s challenges with a positive outlook.

There is a huge difference!

It might help to consider positive self-talk as a way to focus your thoughts on learning to trust that you will be okay as long as you keep moving forward.

This doesn’t mean that you will find your way easily, without hard work, or the occasional setback.

It simply means that you are willing to make the effort because you believe you will overcome whatever obstacles you encounter.

And the benefits of this approach to living are enormous:

· Increases self-control and motivation

· Boosts confidence and self-esteem.

· Helps to clarify thoughts and improve concentration.

· Improves decision-making and problem-solving skills.

· Reduces stress, anxiety, and depression.

If you naturally lean toward pessimism or a negative outlook on life, it will take time and practice to create a shift to a more positive perspective, but it’s not difficult with consistent practice.

Mining Your Inner Dialogue

The following strategies can help you begin mining and managing your internal dialogue.

Listen and Learn

The first step is to become more aware of your inner narrative by tuning into the thoughts that run through your mind, especially when you find yourself dealing with a problem, a mistake, or unexpected change.

Are you supportive of yourself? Are you critical or negative? Would you be comfortable saying those thoughts and words to a loved one?

If you don’t already keep a journal I highly recommend you use this opportunity to start. It’s a wonderful practice that can help you to build self-awareness, improve decision-making, and identify patterns.

Look for Patterns

Sometimes we become authors of our own misfortune. Mindfully and without judgment examine the ways you respond to the events and experiences in your life and you may be surprised at what you discover.

Here are three examples of response patterns, see if any sound familiar.

Catastrophizing: This is your mind playing the “what if” game: What if this happens? What if that happens? It is sure to amplify anxiety and may lead to depression.

Blaming: When you blame yourself for another’s pain or hold others responsible for your pain it’s an invitation to become a victim in your own life.

Rehashing: If it sometimes feels as though your thoughts are a broken record playing over and over, you’re rehashing experiences and events.

Remember there’s a difference between reflecting on a problem or experience to learn from it and replaying it over and over because you just can’t let it go.

Once you become aware of patterns in thoughts, you can then begin to work on switching them for more positive frames.

Choose the words you say to yourself wisely, they are creating your reality. ~Sean Stephenson

We Believe What We Tell Ourselves

There is no one right way to develop the habit of positive self-talk, so it’s worth trying a few different approaches to find the one that works best for you.

Here are three strategies to consider.

Affirmations

· I can overcome any obstacle that comes my way.

· I deserve to feel good about myself.

· I embrace my perfectly imperfect self.

· Every challenge is an opportunity to grow.

Research validates the effectiveness of affirmations, particularly among athletes. But here’s the key to making this strategy work; combining your affirmations with visualization and action.

Lots, and lots of targeted action.

Saying over and over that you are going to get that coveted promotion may help you sleep at night, but if you haven’t done anything to earn it, or there are better candidates, then chances are you’re going to end up disappointed.

Replace or Reframe

With this strategy, the idea is simply to switch a negative thought to a positive statement.

Situation: Learning a new skill

Negative: I can’t do this. I’ve never been good at this kind of thing.

Positive: I’m proud that I’m trying. The more I practice the better I’ll get.

Situation: Failed to get the promotion you wanted.

Negative: I should have known; nothing ever works out for me.

Positive: It wasn’t the outcome I wanted, but I learned a lot about myself.

Situation: You have to say ‘no’ to someone’s request.

Negative: I hate this, I know they’re going to be mad at me.

Positive: I can’t control what other people think, or do, I can only control myself.

Like any skill, the more you practice the easier and more effective this approach is, especially when used to break patterns.

Interrogative Self-Talk

I’ve found this strategy to be the most dynamic approach. Questions cause you to think about how you can achieve your desired outcome, opening you to new and better solutions.

Situation: You’ve been assigned an important project at work.

Positive: This is an ambitious goal, but I’m confident I’ll be successful.

Interrogative: What skills and resources do I need to put myself in the best position to achieve this goal?

Self-talk is the most underutilized available resource to master our minds and improve our lives. Our thoughts influence our feelings, choices, and actions.

The Takeaway

Learning how to have productive, positive inner conversations is a skill that requires developing awareness and the willingness to practice.

Positive self-talk is not self-deception, nor is it filtering your outlook on life with rose-colored glasses or burying your head in the sand to avoid reality.

Rather, it’s about recognizing the truth, in situations, and yourself.

There really is no downside.

Here’s to living and loving your resilient life!

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Marquita Herald
Marquita Herald

Written by Marquita Herald

Resilient Living Strategist | Transformational Author & Guide, unapologetic Introvert, lover of road trips, peanut butter cookies, and a dog named Lucy,

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