The Bittersweet Illusion of Nostalgia
Do you remember the rush of your first romantic kiss? How about the thrill of finally moving into a place of your very own (Didn’t matter that it was the size of a closet and you had to survive on ramen noodles!), or maybe the pride you felt scoring that first hard-earned promotion?
Then there is the nostalgia associated with events that tend to define us, college years, marriage, the birth of our children, family holiday traditions.
The spark that brings these memories to mind can be as simple as a song, a scent, or hearing from an old friend.
To this day the taste of vanilla ice cream takes me back to weekends visiting my aunt and uncle; days spent with my rowdy cousins racing around the neighborhood on our bikes, parents hovering over the barbecue while we took turns hand cranking a beat-up old ice cream maker out in the garage.
Best ice cream in the known universe, at least that’s the way I remember it.
No matter what else may be going on in our life, these random recollections have the power to make us smile because they provide warmth, familiarity, and a sense of certainty that we belong to something good … something larger than ourselves.
But as comforting as nostalgia can be, we also need to be aware that our response to these memories has the potential to trap us in what amounts to a bittersweet illusion.
Nostalgia is delicate but potent. In Greek, nostalgia loosely translated means “the painful longing to return home.” it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone — a feeling of a place where we ache to go again.
The Illusion of Nostalgia
Our memories, while not entirely fabricated, are selectively chosen, filtered, and modified by our own brain to seem better (sometimes far better) than reality.
An example of this might be fond memories associated with family gatherings, choosing to forget the incessant sniping (before, during, and after), the inevitable shouting match between Aunt Jane and Uncle Harry, your in-laws screaming kids, or your mother’s continued refusal to treat you as an adult.
Think of the fifty-something guy still telling stories of his days as a star quarterback in high school; the middle-aged mom that talks incessantly about how exciting her life was before marriage and three kids; the retired executive rerunning her days as a successful CEO.
It can just as easily work the other way round where we remember ourselves as the victim of a horrible experience or relationship, conveniently blotting out our own contribution to the ordeal.
The point is that the same familiarity and sense of certainty that can so easily provide comfort can also cause us to get stuck worshipping idealized memories or using self-deception as an excuse for our unhappiness or discontent.
Definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy: Clinging to your past because you fear that nothing in the future will ever feel as good as what has already happened.
Bridging the Memory Gap
Studies have shown nostalgia to be beneficial in several ways. It can increase self-esteem, make you feel valued, help you find meaning in life, and even combat loneliness.
While I’ve uncovered no formal research on this, I have learned firsthand that focusing on certain memories can also boost motivation and self-belief.
Several years ago, I decided to pursue what was, by any standard, a drastic career change. Friends and family told me I was crazy, my husband hated the idea, and while he didn’t stand in my way, he later admitted he was sure I would fail.
It took me three years of sleepless nights and backbreaking work, but I earned my dream job.
Now, whenever I experience self-doubt (as we all do from time to time) the memory of that experience, and all the obstacles I overcame, reminds me that I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to!
Learning to bridge the gap between our past and present, using our experiences to grow and thrive instead of longing to relive the past, enables us to savor the sweetness of nostalgia without the bitterness of regret.
If you find that you keep recycling your past because your back story is so much more interesting than your current life, then it’s time to start writing a new chapter.
Are Your Memories Keeping You Stuck the Past?
Sometimes the lines between nostalgia and regret become blurred. The distinction between the two is significant and yet subtle.
Nostalgia wants to relive the past, while regret wants to change it.
Consider the following questions to see if you’ve been focusing on the wrong things or failing to recognize how your memories may be keeping you stuck.
· Do you find yourself clinging to a particular period or relationship from the past?
· Have you come to believe that your best days are behind you?
· Are you feeling frustrated and stuck in life, but can’t bring yourself to change?
· Does thinking about the past make you sad?
· Do you avoid setting goals or thinking about the future?
· When was the last time you did something for the first time?
The key to getting unstuck is to first become aware of the problem and then slowly start challenging yourself to have new experiences.
A journal is an invaluable tool for this process not only to help you identify problem areas but to begin the healing so important to begin moving forward.
If you find that you keep recycling your past because your back story is so much more interesting than your current life, then it’s time to start writing a new chapter.
The Takeaway
Nostalgia is a bittersweet illusion based on recollections that are in large part flawed thanks to our natural tendency to keep the good memories and discard the bad.
When we cling to the notion that life was so much better in the past, we risk creating our own self-fulfilling prophecy based on the belief that nothing will ever be as good again.
So why bother even trying?
The best way to begin moving forward is to engage intentionally in the present.
While not all memories are warm and fuzzy, if we’re willing to listen, they all provide opportunities to learn about how to become the best version of ourselves.
Here’s to living and loving your resilient life!