Are You Invalidating Your Own Feelings?

Every time you dismiss your feelings as unacceptable, you’re judging yourself to be unworthy.

Few things are more frustrating than someone telling you how you should feel, and yet many of us do this to ourselves, in the process invalidating our feelings and emotions.

Self-invalidation may seem innocent enough on the surface. After all, you just want to avoid making excuses or feeling sorry for yourself so you can deal with the problem and get on with life.

But each time you dismiss your feelings as unacceptable (weak, foolish, or just plain wrong) you are in effect judging yourself as somehow defective or unworthy.

Unfortunately, invalidation has become common in our society, particularly in social media where anything and everything is considered an acceptable target.

The last thing we need is to develop the habit of rejecting our own feelings, and yet many of us do it unconsciously on a regular basis.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“I should be over this by now.”

“I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.”

“I shouldn’t be so sensitive.”

“I should be positive and just get on with my life.”

“It’s selfish of me to feel sad when others have it much worse than I do.”

Telling yourself you can’t feel sad because others have it worse is like saying you can’t be happy because others have it better.

And it makes just as much sense.

One of the most common words in the invalidating, self-blaming stories we believe about ourselves is should. We tell ourselves what we should be doing, and how we should be feeling or acting. It’s time we stop shoulding all over ourselves! ~Anonymous

Invalidating is a Learned Behavior

People use invalidation for a variety of reasons, abusers use it to bully, belittle, and manipulate, while the insecure among us need to put others down to make themselves feel better, or superior.

Family and friends may honestly believe they are only doing what’s right for you by offering constructive advice.

Think of how often you’ve heard people say things like “you’re lucky, it could have been worse,” “lighten up,” “don’t let it get to you,” “just forget about it,” or “you can choose to be happy,” or “stop taking everything so seriously.”

Invalidating behavior is not only habitual it is self-perpetuating.

As others invalidate your thoughts and feelings over time, you begin to internalize the messages and that leads to repeating them to yourself and the inevitable eroding of confidence and self-worth.

How to Break the Cycle.

If you are feeling something it is real to you, and that is all that matters.

No one else has had your experiences or seen life through your eyes so any advice they offer is based on their own perceptions and attitudes.

When you invalidate your own feelings, you deny yourself the opportunity to feel what’s natural and authentic, and when you’re going through one of life’s inevitable rough patches this can prolong valuable recovery time.

But you can learn to break the cycle.

Recognition

Once you acknowledge and accept that self-invalidation is a problem for you, then you can begin monitoring self-talk and identify patterns and triggers.

Are you constantly putting yourself down? Do you avoid trying something new or pursuing an important goal because you doubt your ability to achieve it?

Invalidation isn’t always straightforward; many people use self-deprecating comments and jokes as a way of declaring to the world they are well aware of their inadequacies.

Identification

Write it down. A journal is your best friend when it comes to developing self-awareness, and identifying and changing unhealthy patterns.

Seeing negative or self-critical statements in writing makes it so much easier to recognize them for the destructive force they are, and then you can begin the work to flip the narrative.

“I can’t believe I screwed up that presentation. I am such a LOSER!”

Instead becomes:

“Okay, I could have done better with that presentation, but it’s not the end of the world. I need to see what I can learn from the experience and do better next time.”

It feels different, doesn’t it?

Validate Yourself

Instead of telling yourself you can’t do something, or you shouldn’t feel a certain way, or you need to get over it — treat yourself with care and compassion like you would a friend.

Picture this; a friend broke their leg, and you’re waiting with them in the emergency room. The pain is so bad they are in tears and struggling to breathe.

Then you put your hand on their shoulder and say, “Oh, stop being such a big baby, it could be worse, you could have broken both legs!”

Can you imagine how they would feel?

No, because saying something like that to your friend would be unimaginable, and yet, we think little of trivializing our own pain.

Nothing destroys self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love faster than denying what you feel. Accept your thoughts and feelings and allow yourself to honor and validate them as important. ~Iyanla Vanzant

The Takeaway

Any time you set out to change a behavior it will take time and consistent practice to form new patterns, but it’s not difficult if you’re willing to make the effort.

Keep in mind that a critical element of the process is to become more aware of what others are saying to you, the words, opinions, and invalidation you may be internalizing courtesy of the people in your life.

No one has the right to dismiss your concerns as unimportant because others have it so much worse, or anyone else’s feelings are more important or valid than yours.

When you give yourself permission to experience your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, you become more fully aware of who you are on the deepest level.

The beautiful thing about embracing your own vulnerability is that it helps you to have a greater understanding and compassion for others.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Here’s to living and loving your resilient life!